I want to talk about an experience I had yesterday (Monday, April 8). I imagine most people saw that I auditioned for Vocal Point, BYU's all-men a cappella group. This was kind of a huge deal for me, and I'll try to help you guys see why.
So, in working at the treatment center where I do, we talk a lot about core issues. These are issues that most, if not all people have, and they lie at the core of our beings, our very images of ourselves. They influence our behaviors, our attitudes, and our emotions. If you're curious about yours, take some time one day to think about why you act the way you do. It's rather enlightening.
My core issue (one of the many) is that I don't ever feel like I will be good enough. Oh, how I wish that it were more specific!!! "I don't ever feel like I will be good enough to be President" would a much better core issue than what I've got right now. The way my issue is worded allows it to be applied to EVERYTHING, something that my brain takes quite literally. For reals, though; my brain applies that concept to everything I think I would like to try.
"You know," says Luke to himself, "That Vocal Point group looks like a lot of fun. They certainly seemed to enjoy themselves when they interrupted my study session in the library. I enjoyed that. I like to sing, and I think I can hold a pitch pretty well without a piano backing me up. Maybe I should try." Enter Luke's brain and core issue:
"You're not good enough to make it into Vocal Point," they say, "Yes, you can sing, but you're really only average."
Do you get it yet? This happens, literally, ALL THE TIME. It's why I hardly ever do anything but sit in my apartment.
So, yesterday, I tried out for Vocal Point. I wish I could tell you guys all the people that kept pushing me to do it, even after I explained this whole concept to them. Even my parents did that, which is no less than what I expected, but still.
My issue presented itself during tryouts. The whole time it was trying to get me to duck out, but before I knew it, 1pm had arrived and I was walking into the audition room with three other guys.
First, we had to sight read. My sight reading is bad on a normal day. Today, with all my anxiety, I couldn't sing at all. My core issue presented itself in the "I can't find my notes so I'm just not going to sing" way. I'm pretty sure that didn't help my score. But, they didn't kick me out, so I clung to what little positivity I had remaining.
Second, we had to sing a minute-long solo. Two guys went before me, and I felt like both of them nailed their solos. They could sing so high! Again, my issue told me I was nowhere near their level. Finally though, it came to me. I stepped forward and told them I would sing Hey Soul Sister by Train, my favorite band. I looked at the guy at the piano and told him that I didn't need him to play a starting note. I started the song in my head, waited a couple beats, and then sang one of my favorite songs.
I was quiet, but that's because that's how I sing. As I opened my mouth, all my worry and anxiety vanished, and I was just singing in front of a bunch of guys. I think I even smiled. :) I got halfway through the first verse, and I paused because the lead singer takes a pause there. All of a sudden, I realized that I wasn't the only one singing. Some of the members of Vocal Point had started singing the background music and percussion! Someone was even pretending to be the ukelele!! I finished the verse and listened again to these awesome guys adding to my solo. It was neat because I was able to follow where I would come in based on what they were doing. I came in on the chorus, slightly louder, but still just being me.
I finished and everybody clapped. They were about to move on, but one of the guys raised his hand and asked if I would sing the chorus again, but louder this time. So I did. And it was pretty sick to see Vocal Point smiling and enjoying my singing. I was about to step back to my place in line when another guy raised his hand and asked if I could sing the chorus higher. I looked at him skeptically and said that I would try. The guy at the piano played the original chord I started on and picked a new chord in a higher key. He gave me my starting note; I matched it and sang and smiled my way through that chorus one more time. As I stepped back into line, one of them jokingly asked if I would now sing it in Ukrainian. Needless to say, I did not.
Honestly, I doubt that I will make it into Vocal Point. There actually are a lot of really talented vocalists out there at BYU, many more talented than me. But I'm proud of myself for trying. Most of the people I talk to about are proud as well. We had to fill out forms before we auditioned, and one of the questions asked, "Why are you auditioning?" Here was my answer: "Honestly, I'm just doing this to prove to myself that I can do hard things. That, and I think it would be really fun to sing with you guys."
Now I've done it. I've proven to myself that I can do something that I don't think I'll win at, something that my issue tells me I'm not good enough for. And who knows? Maybe Vocal Point will like my solo so much that they'll ignore how much I suck at sight reading.
I'll keep you posted.
